Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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