Taylor Swift is so right about you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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