You're so nebulous sometimes
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
