Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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