The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
