Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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