So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
