So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
