dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
