i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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