i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
