As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
