WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
