So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My bed smells like the plague
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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