She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
