I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
