If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize