i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
