Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
