I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
