While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
