Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
