When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I supernannyed him into submission
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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