Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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