The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
