I think im going to throw up on grandma
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
