and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
