dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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