I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
