Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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