Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize