Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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