just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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