my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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