dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
