i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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