When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
