Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
