he puts the penis in happiness.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
