I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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