I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize