hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
