im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
