I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
