Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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