I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
