New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
even my farts smell like vagina
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
