She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
