Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Success! We fucked roommates!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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