I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
