god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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