Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
