I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
