I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
