that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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