He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
