Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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