we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
