When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
