Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
