i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish my penis had a tongue
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
