I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
