I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize