Pants 0. Shit 1.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
