Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
